True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
