At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
