I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
