Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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