After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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