what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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