So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
