Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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