At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
