I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Church boner. Awkwardddd
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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