um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
