I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
