Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Operation Purity has been aborted
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
