hotel room ftw
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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