something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Randomize
