1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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