I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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