I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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