I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
