he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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