Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
