How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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