Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
