Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
