your parents love me but you hate me
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
