Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
