You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
