if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
