so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
