Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
