when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
