the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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