o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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