saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
