Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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