He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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