Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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