A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm sobbing to NWA
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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