I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
