my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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