Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just blew my weed a kiss
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
