Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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