Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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