I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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