I think I won the penis lottery.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
