mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
