I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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