fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I need to stop coming to work sober
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
