just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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