so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Couch. On fire.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
